So like, at the end of the school year I felt really impressed that it was time to put Jackson back into school for next year. He hasn't been to school, well he has, but not full time since the end of Kindergarten. We've homeschooled him for 5 years but he's received services from the school like speech therapy 3-4 times a week and 4-8 hours a week with a special ed teacher for 1-5th grade.
At the end of Kindergarten, LM and I had a big pow wow with his teacher, the principal, the special ed teacher, and his speech therapist about what we would like to happen for the following year. ALL of them wanted him to go onto 1st grade and LM and I felt like it was a bad idea but they did not listen to us and planned for him to move on to 1st grade. He wasn't ready and I think they knew he wasn't ready but because of "political" crap he was being moved on.
ANYWAY, during that summer all I could think about was how much I knew that he shouldn't be moving on but I felt completely powerless. I prayed but nothing, then finally 1 week before school was suppose to start 2 of my good friends (1 of them being a teacher and the other a teachers aid) told me that they both decided to pull there kids out of school and homeschool...all of a sudden this voice said "This is what you need to do!" and I said to my voice " YOU ARE CRAZY AND STOP TALKING!" then I had to explain to the voice that I was just a few short week away from delivering my 3rd child and that this is a crazy idea! I was like " I don't know how to teach!" " do you remember my grades?" " OH and I'm about to have a baby...remember?!?!" but the voice was persistent. Sooo, I prayed and then prayed again hoping for a different answer. I needed to homeschool. And now, I'm so glad I did. I learned so much about Jackson, things that I wouldn't have known without being his teacher. I taught him the alphabet and by mid year he was reading. It was beautiful and I'm so thankful that I could be a witness to it, especially since it seem like such an impossible goal considering where he started. We've had our ups and downs and I've had my burnout moments but it's been a positive experience.
Now here I am again with the same voice telling me to put him in school...but...of course there's a but...I'm conflicted. I know that this is what Heavenly Father wants but it's now no longer what I want. Yeah I want to have less crazy days, yeah, I want to have a cleaner house, yeah I want a less noisy house during the day, yeah I'd like time to work on my own schooling BUT... I'm scared. Crazy isn't it? He's not scared but I am. I remember middle school and even though he's not me I know that middle school issues are universal. Because of his learning disabilities, he's below grade level, he'll be spending time in special ed so I'm scared that he'll get teased, made fun of or just treated bad. We've already seen it this summer. A neighbor kid that he has been friends with no longer wants to be his friend, he's embarrassed to be with Jackson and makes him promise that he won't tell anyone that they played together. Jackson is clueless and is like "whatever" but I see it and it hurts my feelings. This punk kid is embarrassed to play with my son and it makes me sad.
How do I get past my own fears and trust that Heavenly Father knows what he's doing? this sucks! The closer September comes the more anxious I feel. Someone make me feel better.